Being brave enough to call a relationship quits is no walk in the park. In circumstances where there are kids involved making the life altering decision to ‘call a relationship quits’ is even harder. As a mother thinking about ending a marriage, where children are involved, you are faced with the guilt of being the person who ‘changed life for everyone’ involved. You are the person that is changing the family’s path from that moment forward. 

Many times people stay in relationships when they have known for a long time that it wasn’t working simply because of finances, kids, lifestyles, and the ease of going with the normal everyday motions. 

The influence and unpredictability of ‘what others will think’, changes to living situations, changes to routines, being alone, and where life will take you next cloud your mind and prolong the inevitable. 

But is that really happy ever after? Is that even considered living?

In those moments, whose happiness are we living for? 

The answer for some is easy . . . no that is not happy ever after. No, that is not living. You are allowing others to be happy at the expense of your own happiness.

Staying in a relationship where you are clearly unhappy for the sake of children and the avoidance of disrupting the normal complexities of life as you know it, is like being a princess trapped in the tower of a castle waiting for someone to unlock the door for you to be free. You feel trapped. 

After years of togetherness, finances, the idea of what love in marriage is supposed to be like, and years of investment make the decision difficult. When will the day come where you put yourself first? When will the day come where you say my happiness is being put first. When are you going to pull the hinges out of your tower door and free yourself?

Tell-Tale Signs

So, how do you know when it is close to being time to call a relationship quits? 

Here are some tell-tale signs that the time to part ways may be approaching.

Talks Turn To Arguments More Often Than Not

Some couples argue all the time, and some only argue when it is necessary. Arguing is a normal part of a relationship and it is healthy to argue because choosing to argue about something, shows that you care. Staying silent as a way to avoid conflict or hurting the other person’s feelings is not healthy. Change is not able to occur when tough conversations in a relationship aren’t had. It is even more unhealthy in a relationship if every conversation a couple shares turns into an argument. When the time comes where a couple can no longer hold a steady, rational conversation when conflict arises and arguments are the only form of communication they have, it may be an indication that the relationship is suffering in the communication department. 

You Don’t Fight Anymore

. . . but what if the talks no longer turn to arguments? What if arguing is no longer a daily struggle? What if the nuances about your partner that drive you crazy are no longer worth fighting over anymore? Fighting leads to intense makeup sex, right? So when the time comes in a relationship where the stillness and absences of arguing is the new norm, it may be a sign that there is an underlying concern. 

When arguments are absent, it brings about wonder regarding the depth of communication that occurs in the relationship. The lack of conflict may not be a sign of harmony but could indicate unaddressed issues simmering beneath the surface. Perhaps, in avoiding confrontation, they risk suppressing their true feelings and needs, creating a delicate balance that may tip towards discontent. While on the surface, their days may seem peaceful, the absence of disagreement might signify a reluctance to address challenges head-on, potentially signaling a need for more open and honest communication in their relationship.

Walking in Silence Around the House is the Norm

Have you heard the term, “walking on eggshells”? Have you ever felt as though you are walking quietly on eggshells in your own home, trying to avoid conflict, trying to avoid awkward conversations, or trying to keep the peace? Silence in a relationship signals a lack of communication. The presence of silence in a relationship may be a temporary lull in communication or even a way to navigate moments of disagreement or emotionally charged situations to avoid accelerating tension. However, persistent silence might be a signal of unaddressed issues or a communication breakdown, prompting the need for open dialogue to ensure a healthy and connected relationship. Understanding the context and each other’s feelings is crucial to interpreting the significance of shared silence in a home. This can lead to someone feeling as though they are a stranger or imposter in their own home.

Intimacy Doesn’t Come Naturally

Intimacy in a relationship comes in many forms. Intimacy can be physical, it can be emotional, it can be sexual, it can even be intellectual. Physical intimacy is beyond sexual activity. It is closeness, such as holding hands, hugging, and cuddling, fosters a sense of connection and affection. Emotional intimacy is being able to share thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities with your partner. It involves deep communication and understanding, creating a strong emotional connection. Sexual intimacy involves sharing desires, communication about preferences, and mutual satisfaction,, which contributes to a fulfilling physical connection. Intellectual intimacy is engaging in stimulating conversations, sharing ideas, and respecting each other’s intellect to foster a unique bond that goes beyond superficial interactions.

In a relationship where your partner is your best friend, these forms of intimacy should come natural to you. When intimacy can be given and received naturally it means that you do not have to convince yourself to do it. You don’t need to ‘think’ about how to make it happen, it just happens because of your shared bond. 

When intimacy in a relationship does not come easy or naturally this can indicate a communication barrier, be based on past traumas in the relationship, relate to a mismatch in attachment styles, fear of rejection, or personal insecurities. Other reasons that may lead to unnatural intimacy abilities could also be related to additions or substance abuse, mismatched expectations between partners, or due to religious or cultural upbringing. 

It Never Changes for the Better (Constant Cycle)

Effort to fix a relationship takes both people giving 100% everyday. It takes conscious effort to work on yourself, while simultaneously working to be better together. It is one thing to say you will do better for the sake of your relationship, but when efforts of change only lasts temporarily it creates a cycle of constant recurrence, which can be exhausting and drain the hope out of a relationship. 

I’ve seen first hand how partners can revert to old ways in a relationship after a temporary change in behavior. This leads to a lack of hope or trust that change will ever be permanent. But why? Why do partners revert to old ways creating a cycle of recurrence? This can be due to seeking comfort in what is easy, unresolved underlying issues, lack of awareness, external stressors, or resistance to change or admitting fault. 

Your Side of the Bed

Have you heard that song, “Your Side of the Bed.” by Little Big Town? That song hits close to home. It is a country song that explores themes of distance and emotional separation within a romantic relationship. The lyrics depict a couple dealing with a growing emotional gap, symbolized by the physical distance between them in bed. The “side of the bed” becomes a metaphor for the emotional divide, suggesting that they are no longer as close or connected as they once were. The song captures the melancholy and yearning for reconnection, as the narrators express a desire to understand what has gone wrong and to bridge the emotional gap. The lyrics convey a sense of vulnerability, with the singers contemplating the changes in their relationship and the impact it has on their shared space. Ultimately, “Your Side of the Bed” reflects the universal themes of love, longing, and the challenges that can arise in maintaining emotional closeness over time. 

Once children are laid to rest in their beds for the evening, this is a time where couples can come together. Through sweet pillow talk or forms of intimacy, time in bed is a moment to reconnect and reignite your bond. 

But what if when you go to bed, it feels as though you are each on other sides of the world where he is on the west side and you are on the east side? What if two other bodies could fit between the two of you? What if in the moments where your feet touch under the covers you feel their discomfort or as though your touch is unwanted? What if they pull away the second your leg touches them? What if the tradition of a goodnight kiss is no longer the norm? And what if because you no longer argue or communicate there is no chance of ever going to bed angry?

Communication Just Isn’t There Anymore

Communication in a relationship is everything. When your partner comes home after a long day of work, taking time to share what happened during the work day for each of you brings an awareness of what the other is carrying with them. Couples do not necessarily need to have a lot of things in common to have communication, but they do have to desire to hear what the other person is saying. They need to listen to understand their partner.

Lack of communication in a relationship can lead to emotional distance and a lack of intimacy. This can be related to a lack of connection, unresolved issues, growing apart, or stagnation. Partners can begin to feel lonely, carry tension, and become distant all together.  

Everything About the Other Person Upsets / Annoys You

When a couple first gets together, the small things that will later come to annoy us are hidden by desire and feelings of newness. Have you ever gotten to the point in a relationship where everything about your partner or where things they do upset or annoy you? Their faults in your eyes that you now see have always been there, the only difference is you weren’t able to see them before. 

You’re Happier When the Person Isn’t Around

In my opinion, the hardest sign to accept when a relationship has run its course, is coming to terms with the fact that you are happier and your best self when that person is not around. They say that your person is supposed to be your best friend. They are supposed to be the person you want to spend your time with. They are the person that should bring out the best in you. So what if that person no longer brings out the best in you? What if they know very little about what is happening in your life? What if their mere presence causes you to be someone you know you are genuinely not? And, what if them being around you causes you to project your feelings and emotions onto those around you in a negative way. 

For me a tall-tale sign was coming to terms with the fact that my spouse’s presence caused me to feel depressed, sad, uncomfortable, and at times angry. The emotions I was feeling were constantly projected onto my children, causing me to hurt their feelings when they were not the source of my anger. 

When you realize that the relationship is causing you to be unhappy in your daily life and that unhappiness takes away a piece of moments you are experiencing with others around you, is it time to re-evaluate whose happiness is more important? Are you in the relationship to “keep them happy” and avoid hurting their feelings? If that’s the case, you are no longer putting your happiness first. 

You need to choose your happiness everyday. You only get one life to live, so choose your happiness, not someone else’s.